only yesterday and yet a lifetime

4 years ago today God brought this special little girl into our family.  While remembering makes it feel like only yesterday, in thinking about the story of our family, it was a lifetime ago.  We are forever changed from knowing and loving her.

At times ministry can be exciting and inspiring.  At times it can be weary.  Hope Grafted In is a blessing, a God-thing, and I am more passionate about it now then when God began this work over a year ago.  But a ministry that has the ominous task of continuous fundraising and asking of others makes me grow weary at times.

Just like anything in life, it comes with ebbs and flows, ups and downs.  Today I want to share a story that lifts me up.  It is for the moments like this that I have renewed strength and refreshed energy to serve.

A couple weeks ago I received an email from the Director of Sangaalo Babies, my dear friend Damalie.  She shared of a new little boy the home had received.  His story so far in his 3 months of life at first glance appears tragic.  More horrific than one could imagine.  A story of incest, rape, and attempted murder.  But he is a child of the King and has been rescued into a new life.

Damalie gave me the honor of naming the little boy.  I gave him the name Gabriel, after my husband and our daughter.  A name I hope will bring him protection and strength.  A name that for our family means so much.

Three years ago today our daughter, Gaby, went to be with Jesus.  God has taught me so many things over the past 3 years through the gift of being Gaby's momma.  The layers of learning appears to be lifelong.

Two sweet babies with not much in common in many respects other than they are loved by a GREAT big God that created them for GREAT purposes.  They both are so many things for so many people.  For me, today they are a reminder of God's sovereignty, His goodness, and His faithfulness.

I pray that each day of baby Gabriel's life he feels the love of Jesus.  I am thankful to know that he is receiving loving care and has a home.  He has a family.  I am honored to be a small part of that.

I hope that God's plan includes Gabriel living a long healthy life and that I will be able to meet him in October on our trip.  But if I have learned nothing else in the past 3 years it is that God's ways are so much greater than my plans.  If His plan is to heal Gabriel and take him to heaven, what a blessing.

I will be sharing more here in the coming weeks about how you can be a part of Gabriel's story.  As God speaks, I pray you will listen.

At the heart of it all

The AMAZING company I am blessed to be a part of, Thirty One Gifts has joined the National Heart Walk this fall.  They are encouraging their consultants all over the country to get involved with their area Heart Walk and to raise funds for the American Heart Association.

When I heard about this I signed up right away and was ready to start stepping at my local walk to raise funds.  After all, its a walk not a marathon or anything CRAZY.  Well typical to many busy families, the days the walks are scheduled in our state ALL don't work for our family.

But God kept stirring that I was to be involved and to still do something.  Why?  Because HE said so and it is a good cause.

Why is it close to my heart?  Because 2 years ago our daughter Gaby died from complications due to her Congenital Heart Disease.  Because we spent MONTHS in hospitals around the country in Pediatric Intensive Care Units meeting families battling Heart Disease.  Because we fell in love with hospital staff that serve these children and work hard to find cures and ways to help.

My 31 team walk shirt came yesterday in the mail and as I opened it that stirring from God I mentioned earlier became an up in my face "You are going to do this girl."

For our sweet Gaby and all the other children of God, both young and old, around the world that have special hearts in September:  I can't walk, but I am pouring myself into fundraising for them.

100% of my 31 commissions in September will be given to these 2 organizations.  The American Heart Association because of all they do and because that is who Thirty One has chosen to partner with.  Samaritan's Purse Children's Heart Project because their work lines up with our family's passions.  If we lived in a larger city, we would TOTALLY be host families for this ministry.  Since we can't, we go to visit when families come for surgery and we partner with the host families to be of any help that we can from afar.

                         






Ok, this is getting DANGEROUSLY long and I probably already lost half of you so getting to the point of where you come in...

5 ways you can help and don't just pick one!

• Pray.  Ask God for His healing touch for hearts around the world.  Hearts that need to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  Hearts that need to be repaired.  And let Him speak into your heart what He wants from you.
• Share this post all over the place.  See those helpful share buttons at the bottom of the post, use them!
• Place a Thirty One order in September.  You can do that on my 31 website here.  You can also email me.
• Ask me for a few Thirty One Catalogs.  Show them around to friends, family, ANYONE and ask them to place an order.  More info on a book party here.  AS A 31 HOSTESS, YOU GET FREE 31 PRODUCT AS A REWARD!
• Host a September Thirty One party at your home.  Here is more info on that.  Email me to chat more about that.  It is low stress and low pressure, I PROMISE.  AS A 31 HOSTESS, YOU GET FREE 31 PRODUCT AS A REWARD!

If you haven't seen the NEW fall Thirty One catalog, you are going to flip out at all the wonderful new prints and products.  View a fall catalog here online or email me and I will mail you one!

Alright, there you have it.  Hope you will join me whole-heartedly :) and see what we can all do together through Jesus.  Because at the heart of it all is Him.

Gaby's Story

Gaby's story is a long detailed one that is still being written even as she now lives in heaven with Jesus and her life continues to impact ours.  For the long version, keep reading all these posts labeled "Gaby's Story".  For those of you wanting a summary, my pleasure...

Our family was blessed to adopt Gaby Hope Brown on April 22, 2010.  Gaby was born on January 19th and entered the world physically fighting to live.  She was 7 weeks premature, had congenital heart disease-hypoplastic right heart, lung disease, gastrointestinal issues, and many other medical complications.  But those things were just what she fought against, not what defined her.

Gaby was a stubborn little girl.  She only liked those she chose to like and yelled at everyone else.  Thankfully for us, she loved her family.  She was precious.  Her delicate hands were probably my favorite thing that God created on her little body.  They were so sweet.  One of my treasured items is a mold of her hand that some sweet nurses made in Indy.  Looking at it and touching it makes me smile.

Gaby spent 6 of her 7 months on earth in hospitals.  She was loved by many doctors, nurses, and medical staff.  Our family came to know and love may special people during our times at hospitals.  We will forever be grateful for their talents and gifts, but mainly for their encouragement, support, and friendship.

God blessed us with 37 days at our home with Gaby.  They were busy, filled, crazy days.  Looking back, sure wish I had cherished them more.  But they were special days filled with family fun and love.

Gaby went from my arms to the arms of Jesus on August 12, 2010.  I can't wait to enter heaven and be with her again, but until that time comes I will honor the One who gave her to me and thank Him for the gift of Gaby Hope.

sweet memory

Remembering a sweet girl today.  Thankful for the strong love of my parents today.  Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, love, txts, notes, and encouragement.  We spent the day as a family celebrating.  We planted a beautiful tree, talked about Gaby and just played together.  So blessed.

http://brownstreeintheforest.blogspot.com/2010/08/today-precious-gaby-passed-away.html

still learning

I was fortunate enough to have a week of unplugged learning this summer.  We spent a week camping at a Family Camp in Michigan.  Each evening was a worship service.  The kids had Bible classes during the day, and while there were things offered for adults, I opted for reading and being alone during those times.  The things God taught me during this week were incredible.  I will attempt to share them knowing that my recollection of the supernatural will pale in comparison to the presence of God that was upon me during the week.

The week began with me reading Heaven is for Real.  I in no way want this post to be a book review of all the things I read, but God spoke through the words and the order in which I read, so I have to share some of the details.  This book is about a little boy that undergoes a surgery and has a trip to heaven during the experience.  His story is AMAZING, but for me it was difficult to read.  I mean painful really.  I was so angry as I read the words of this family's experiences with hospitals, fear, crying out to God, and healing.  I even found myself throwing temper tantrums and the book a little in my anger.  Why in the world could God save their little boy whom they loved larger than life and He didn't save my child? A question I never in a million years thought would enter my mind.  A life experience I never saw myself having.  Even hearing someone across the room describe "the Browns, you know that family that adopted twins and one of them died" doesn't sound like us, like our life.  Sounds more like the local church prayer chain that I have spent my entire life hearing and praying for.   There were times in my reading that I had guilt.  Guilt because while I didn't want their little boy to die, a part of me felt that would be more fair, even.  I would have liked the book better if he died.  It would mean that God didn't love them more than He did me.  It would mean that He listens to my prayers and my heart as much as He does their's, right?  While I know the answers to those questions, they still went through mind!

Simultaneously, and by no coincidence, I was reading the books of Matthew and Mark in the Bible.  Reading of Jesus' life on earth.  I was again angry.  Angry about all the healing passages.  Angry that God chose to not reveal His power of healing in our family.  Fleeting thoughts of God doesn't heal anymore, He doesn't respond to prayer.  While my head told me that my emotions were ridiculous, that God is sovereign, God healed Gaby by giving her the best reward of all--eternal life RIGHT NOW--my heart and spirit were saying but that isn't fair, poor me, and why did God let me down?

The next book I picked up was The Same Kind of Different as Me.  This one was easy.  It is about so many things, but basically is the story of 2 men, a homeless sweet man named Denver and a wealthy man who serves at the mission that Denver lives at.  This one brought about the passions that are close to my heart...that God loves us all, that He desires for us all to have a purpose in our lives that brings Him glory.  This one has the death of a spouse.  While bringing sadness, it was easier to read...this guy could get it because He felt the loss and the disappointment in God.  His story somehow made mine easier.

And of course the last evening service we attended brought me full circle.  The sweet pastor was sharing something, I don't even remember what, and it hit me that there was my friend's dad standing up there, a man who had lost 2 daughters.  He had lost children.  His wife sitting over there had lost 2 daughters.  2 waves of grief as parents.  They went through the pain that I did.  Only he did it twice.  And I was filled with hope as I heard Him proclaiming God's grace, His sovereign will, and His forgiveness while acknowledging the pain He still feels through the emotion in his voice.  The worship song to close the service pushed me right over the edge and I began the all so familiar and embarrassing act of bawling like a baby as the Holy Spirit convicts.  As I felt the guilt of my distrust in God through the week, the strength of His forgiveness and love, and the hope of my life with Him.  His presence telling me I am still here, I do still heal, and I always listen to you.  Keep trusting in me and know my love for you.

And did I mention the theme of the week was Radical and I was finishing up reading that book by David Platt.  If you haven't yet had the privilege of that challenge, GET READING IT and then go live it!  I put that book on hold while we were camping and finished it up when we returned, and of course was thrown back on track even more.  There are SO many hurting and needing Jesus.  I am commanded to share, tell them, to go, to love them through being with them and knowing them.  God didn't send a check, He sent His Son.  Going matters.  It speaks volumes to those we visit.  That we are willing to come, to live among them and to love them where they are, regardless of the amount of time we are blessed to do so.  And my head and heart got back on the same page, there are things to be done.  God needs them to be.  He commanded us to radically live for Him.  Anything less is not for me.  While my salvation is all about Jesus and me, my life is all about others and Jesus.

Dying for Him daily is what I want to be all about.  And I don't just mean figuratively.  If He chooses to end my earthly life for His glory, bring it on.  Jesus was a risk taker.  Lets face it there is risk in going places we don't live now, risk in loving on others that have diseases we don't now, risk in giving sacrificially not out of our abundance, risk in telling Jesus you will do anything He asks.  But with great risk, comes great reward.  Death is the reward.  For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.  I want to live those words.

Needless to say all this was draining.  But it was filling as well.  A special time that I am thankful for and hope to lean on when I doubt again.  A time that God knew I needed as we headed into this week.

Gaby Celebration

Thank you so much for your comments to us. They have been an encouragement and comfort. In place of a funeral and burial, we will be having a celebration of Gaby's life on Friday, August 20th. Please come and celebrate with us anytime between 4-7 PM at the HUB. 3409 Hursh Road Fort Wayne, IN 46845. For more information you may contact Vicki at 490-6112 or craignvic@msn.com.

dancing with Jesus

Today precious Gaby passed away.

Gaby's story has always been about love, grace, and mercy and today those things were made complete in her life as she became a new creation.

Gabe and I were able to hold her this afternoon and give her to her Creator one last time as she went from my arms to the arms of Jesus. It was a sweet precious gift that we will never forget.

We are so thankful for all that she has taught us about unconditional love and countless other life lessons. We consider it an honor to be her parents and are blessed by the treasure of her life. But most of all today we are grateful that she has been made whole. That God, in his perfect wisdom, has shown her the ultimate grace and mercy in bringing her to Himself for all eternity.

In reading our blog you may think, "Why is this happening to the Browns when they obeyed God and followed Him? I bet they won't do that again anytime soon." Please do not let that be your response to our story. It is not and will not be our response.

Yes, we are hurting and feel a pain that is seemingly unbearable. However, we have a great gift. We trust our Savior more now than ever before. The Brown family will continue to seek God's will and jump when He says go. Yes, we will be taking time to heal our family and ourselves emotionally and spiritually. But we continue to seek what He wants next for our story.

When we again hear His whisper, we will consider it a privilege to be asked, and we will jump.

For today we find comfort and joy in the thought that Gaby is dancing with Jesus.

update

Gabe and I are both in Indy as they told us to both be here for the next few days. There is nothing else the doctors can do for Gaby medically. She has another infection and her body seemingly can't fight it off.

We have known all along that only God can heal her. Whatever comes next for her, we trust in His complete healing grace and that she will not feel any pain or discomfort.

Thank you for your prayers. They are being heard and answered.

Check this out...We're trying to live the life that God called us to.

Treasured Moments

I spent this weekend with Gaby at the hosptial and it was special. She had a pretty good couple of days and spent most of the days with her eyes open. We were able to make eye contact and "chat'. It was a nice change.

The weekend ended on the highest note possible. In an impromptu conversation with the doctor, she said, "let me know when you guys want to hold her and I'll make it happen." My response was, "Now? I want to hold her now." 5 minutes later I was holding Gaby for the first time since June 23rd (46 days).

We don't know what God's plan is for Gaby, but this was a weekend of Treasured Moments and I am thankful.

Much of the Same

Not much is different in the Brown's world.

Gaby's condition is about the same. She hasn't shown improvement and the staff makes daily adjustments to her ventilator, medications, positioning...all based on Gaby's mood at the moment. We worry about this little one that we love so much.

Our family is in our normal routine of our personal reality show, "parent swap." As Shelley and I swapped places again, this time for the weekend. One of the hardest parts of all of this is trying parent 5 kids, not just the 1 in the hospital. We are so thankful for the personalities that God gave our Big 3 and their ability to be so flexible during this time.

This morning I was reading Philippians. This was written by Paul while in jail and the common theme is his joy. How could Paul speak of joy while in prison and when didn't know what was next for him? Paul didn't know if he would get out and continue his ministry or if this would end in death. Either way, he was filled with joy because he was serving Him and glad to be used by God. What an amazing example for us, especially right now.

We don't know what God has planned for our family and this certainly hasn't been an easy journey, but like Paul, we have joy in serving Him and are thankful that we get to be part of anything that brings Him glory.

watching someone new

A good friend gave me some encouragement today. It wasn't asked for or anticipated, but the best kind usually isn't. Thank you, friend.

In talking to a man that comes to Jesus to ask him to heal his son, Jesus tells his disciples that if they have the faith of a mustard seed they can move mountains.

I have been very focused on my faith and the mountain in our lives right now. Gaby's health has been the mountain that I daily plead with God to move. The obstacle that I stare at and try and will to move. The thing I pray for every moment of every day. The thing that today is not going well.

My faith is something else I examine. Do I believe He can still heal today? Do I believe it is His desire to heal my daughter? Will I have faith in Him if He doesn't? Will I ever be the same person that I was back in March? Does He want me to be? Will He really get our family through this and to a time filled with joy again?

I am going to shift my focus today to begin watching someone new. Gaby still has my love and attention, but I am going to stop staring at the mountain and overanalyzing my faith and begin looking to the only ONE who can move the mountain. However He sees fit, He will move this mountain in our lives. My eyes are on Him.

I am going to begin fixing my eyes on Jesus, the one constant in all this madness. The author and perfecter of our faith. May He fill my spirit with His strength to remain focused on Him.

Peaks & Valleys

Since we first traveled to Florida on April 19th to today we have experienced many highs and lows on this roller coaster that we've been on.

Last Friday was one of the highest peaks that we've experienced and we thank you for celebrating with us.

Because we know many people are praying for Gaby, we want to bring you into the picture of where Gaby is today.

Gaby continues to hold her own off ECMO. She looks great and it is awesome to see her in other positions, other than flat on her back.

She is holding her own, but right now, her own isn't enough. Gaby's lungs are still in bad shape. They are very clear (for Gaby), but her lungs are severely damanged from the lung disease that she has and the abuse that she has taken from the virus and ventilator support.

She is off of ECMO, but remains on the ventilator and the ventilator is on very high settings. The goal is the wean her off the ventilator, but since being off ECMO, they have actually had to increase her ventilator support.

The bottom line is Gaby's lungs need to show remarkable improvement in order for her to ever breathe on her own again. The doctors are doing everything they can, but we still rely on God's hand for her healing.

all praise and honor and glory

Gaby is ECMO cannula free. She had a great night after coming off ECMO. This morning her surgeon removed her cannulas and the tube in her chest that was draining from surgery last week. Her vent settings are being turned down as she is doing beautifully. Her oxygen saturation is in the 70s! She looks great.

Her PICU doctor looked straight at me this morning and said, "Shelley, she is better. We fixed her. She is doing great." What reassuring words. I believe that God fixed her, but He sure did use the staff and docs here to do that!

So the Browns are on the road to recovery here in Indy. God, pour out your mercy on us as we place our hope in you.

No one can say it better than Him...

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be opened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance and His incomparably great power for all who believe. Ephesians 1:18

May Gaby's continuing story lead to eyes being opened to the ultimate hope we have in Christ, our salvation and life with Him.

off

Gaby is off ECMO. In the morning she will have a surgery to remove the cannulas from her neck and she will begin the long road of recovering and healing her lungs.

There are many unknowns and anxious moments for us in the days ahead. But, as we have done before, we continue to give Gaby to the One who created her, loves her, and desires to heal her wholly. With Him she is safe. In Him we rest. In Him we continually place our hope.

We give Him all glory for what He has done and will continue to do in her life and in ours.

keeping her eye on us

Gaby has been waking up over the past couple days. They are letting her come out of sedation periodically to help get more fluid off her body and it is pretty cute. She looks at me and blinks and wiggles her fingers and toes and tongue. It is such a blessing to see her again.

The plan is to continue clearing her lungs and then when they are clear and at her best bring her off ECMO. Our hope and prayer is that her clear lungs are enough to sustain her when that time comes.

May you each have a blessed day.

might be today

Today might be the day that Gaby comes off ECMO. I know it seems like you have read that before, so imagine what we are feeling...little bit of I will believe it when I see it and a lot of excitement.

Her xray looks a little better today. Her upper lungs are still collapsed and not good. But they are going to try this afternoon to trial her off. If she needs more time to get those upper lobes opened, she will go back on.

Anxious to see what God has in store for Gaby for today and waiting to be amazed by Him.

back at the waiting game

We are back at the waiting game here with Gaby. After surgery, Gaby's lungs are full again. This was to be expected from her fluid intake during and after surgery, but it doesn't make the waiting any easier. We are now waiting to see if Gaby's lungs will clear so that she can come off ECMO. The shunt should provide her with enough oxgenation to make up for crummy lungs when she comes off and is breathing on her own. But, it may not make up for completely whited out lungs, which is what the xray reveals today.

The plan and hope is to get her lungs back to where they were prior to heart surgery and then take her off ECMO and watch her new shunt in action. So they are bringing back in the bronchotron ventilator since it worked so well before.

So, back to praying for her lungs to clear and fluid to come off her little body. She is so swollen from her fluid overload that her skin is so tight it looks like it could burst.

We are thankful to be waiting for continued healing and that the surgery drama is over.

One of those days....

Today was "one of those days."

One of those days that you look back and wonder how it was possible for everything that happened to happen in a single day.

One of those days that brought every feeling possible. One moment we were anxious, the next relieved. Relaxed for a second, but not for long before we were nervous again. Moments we were able to smile, others we were too tense to talk.

One of those days that we go to bed relieved that it's over. Thankful that we made it, but worrying about tomorrow.

Today Gaby had a surgery that was full of risk, but was not optional. Like all medical procedures, a consent forms had to be signed. Our consent form was different though. The form we signed included the words "50% mortality." This was the reality of the day and we knew it.

Gaby did great during the surgery. She came back on ECMO, mostly because they didn't want to push her and wanted her body to rest. They were able to put a 5.0 mm shunt in to replace the 3.5 mm shunt that she had that wasn't functioning. After surgery we were excited that she did well and about the thought that this shunt could buy Gaby the time she needs to get stronger and ready for surgery #2.

Not long after surgery we were starting to sense that things weren't quite right and the staff began to pay close attention to the amount of blood that Gaby was losing (some drainage is to be expected). After closely monitoring, the doctor decided that something had to be done. They first tried to push her off of ECMO, but her body showed that she couldn't handled it. The only other option was to open her back up to find out why she is bleeding so much.

The surgical team came into Gaby's room and Dr. Abraham discovered that Gaby was bleeding in two areas and was able to get this stopped and closed her back up.

Now, after a very full day Gaby is stable and is resting. She is still on every machine and monitor that we want her off of, but for the moment we are fine with that.

So, today was "one of those days."

One of those days that has wiped us out.

One of those days that we will look back and wonder how we did it.

One of those days that was completely out of our control.

Tonight we will go to bed knowing that we made it through a rough day, and if tomorrow's "one of those days", we'll make it again because we know that He will be in control and will provide the strength that we need.