Wednesday, January 18, 2012

get it yet?

Just when you think you have it all together is when the bottom drops out isn't it? Can't quite decide if that is the ups and downs of life or God's funny sense of humor in making us humble. I guess I am not good at submitting, because He is constantly pulling the rug out so I will fall back down in worship. Anyone else have this happening or am I the only stubborn person out there?

This weekend I shared at our church about trials and considering it joy when God chooses to refine us. It sure wasn't me doing the talking because I was not nervous and that would never be me. I would be FREAKED out to stand in front of two people let alone a whole room. So that is what it feels like to be confident in the Lord? Pretty great.

Well apparently this slow learner should listen more to her own words because it hadn't been 2 hours and I was all full of myself. Maybe someday I will get it.

And whether HE used this today to humble me or just to remind me of His grace and mercy, either way it did both...

Sitting at the desk trying to find the bottom of paperwork that I keep putting off. The stack was growing so big I was contemplating just pushing it into the trash and pretending I had kept up. But back to the point...

I pulled out the preschool application. Can't believe it is time to register Macy for preschool this fall. I pull out the pen, check out the form and read "full name of student" and a rush of sadness flows over my body. That warm feeling of being hit in the stomach and left all sweaty. Felt it lately?

I don't get to fill this form out twice. I don't get to register Gaby for preschool with her sister. The thought that this is the beginning of school and she won't ever be here for me to watch learn and grow. And all the words I shared over the past months with people, all the so-called great advice I gave, thoughts I shared on Sunday feel pointless, purposeless. I want Gaby. I want to hold her, see how big she has gotten, hear her talking, see her running around, see if she is silly like Macy, compare and contrast her to her twin, register her for preschool. Shoot.

Reminded that I need Jesus. Need His strength and grace to fill me. Left on my own I am a mess.


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