Sunday, July 18, 2010

uncensored answer

A question we all hear and ask many times is "How are you?" Most of the time we don't really think about the answer, unless we aren't doing very good. Lately, when I am asked this question my mind wrestles with how to answer. Do I say fine because the thought of answering truthfully is too scary? Or do I unload all my emotions and give the answer that I am feeling at that moment?

So, here comes the honest, uncensored answer. As Gaby's doctor would say, I am a hot mess. I am all over the place emotionally. I am sad, angry, fearful, and numb. In my mind I am telling myself to be strong and positive. But my spirit wants to go home, go into my bedroom, lock the door, get in bed and never get out.

Gaby is wearing out her welcome with ECMO. She has now been on it 3 weeks and should be showing more improvement. We are beginning to talk with doctors about what to do next because the same things they keep trying aren't getting her better. They aren't saying that today is the day she comes off, but it is time to push her. Time for her to show that she wants to get better.

I am not sure how to feel about any of this or even know what I actually do feel. My mind is racing and my thoughts are all over the place. My mind keeps going to places, circumstances, and future situations that I don't want to go through and I quickly tell my mind to stop. At times today I have felt like I am in a hole, clawing to get out and get some air. Then I get mad that I am being so full of self-pity. I know, drama, drama, drama.

So today I am praying for strength and the ability to take things moment by moment. I am also praying for hope because I can't find any on my own today and I feel that God isn't pouring it out into my soul either. I know He is there, but sure wish I could feel Him. I need to feel that hope. I am not asking for a hope that she will be healed and we will all go off into the sunset today, even though deep within me I believe or used to believe or may believe again that God can do that. But even though I know, I want to feel that HOPE that He will be with Gaby and us whatever comes next.


  1. We had those same thoughts 10 years ago when Logan was in the hospital. It's ok to ask God "WHY?" He knows and understands ALL of our feelings. We feel with you and your family and understand your situation. Praying for you every day, and praying for Gaby HOPE. much love, Millers

  2. I know HE is able, it's never a question. HE spoke the word and the universe came to be. JESUS heals and even brought many back from the dead. I continue to ask HIM for Gaby's healing.

  3. Praying for you guys everyday. God has a plan in all of this. I just want you to know we are here for you if you need ANYTHING!!!! Amanda Brown

  4. My heart just brakes and goes out to you, Gabe, the kids and all the rest of your family. If it brings any comfort at times like this, the very critical time, the momment of truth, your church community is with you in thoughts and prayers, asking for strength for you to get by with each minute. Thanks for being real and uncensored, there is no other way to be as God knows our hearts. Love Gaby's toes!! The Bartnicks

  5. Continue to cling to the ONE We pray for strength (physical, emotional, mental & spiritual)for all of you. We continue to believe that the Great Physican will provide for Gaby in His perfect timing.

    The Strassers'

  6. Hang in there Shelly! And keep it really I love that you are honest and can say this really sucks! yet you stay true to knowing that God does see, hear, and is holding you and Gabby in his awesome hand!!! Many years from now you will look back at this time and be filled with awe and wonder at how he never really let you go!!!
    We love ya- Christi and Jim Hall

  7. My heart and my prayers are with you. For strength and healing for you and your family. It is in God's hands and it is His plan.