back at it

Gaby is back in the hospital. Earlier this week she came down with a cold. Yesterday evening we just felt a prompting that something wasn't right and called Dr. Ghazali, our heart doctor, and met him at Lutheran. Things have progressed from there, and I am now sitting in a family waiting room at St. V's in Indy waiting for Gaby to arrive by medical transport within the hour. From a medical standpoint, they are operating under the "let's take precautions and be ready for something worse that may happen" standpoint. We will have to fight to keep doctors from trying to figure Gaby out and just have them treat her for her illness so we can not spend the next month in the hospital watching numbers that make no sense, never have. We know that about her already as her parents, the docs in Florida knew that, and I hope the docs and staff here can learn that about her quickly so as not to frustrate us and more importantly give her unnecessary treatments.

So, now comes my healing process by venting here.

I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be the mom that is sitting here answering questions from other loving, concerned parents who are really strangers about why I am here, what my child has, how am I, do I need anything? I don't want to be a mother of "this is what we expect from these types of children, they get sick, and this is what happens".

Gaby isn't one of those children to me, she is my daughter. I don't want to hear that keeping her sedated and on a ventilator is what is best so she can rest and recover. I want to hold her and see her wake up. I want to help her rest and recover. I want to just be her mom and I don't know how to do that right now. I don't know what I can do for her or for the rest of my family.

Friday was to be a celebration party for Macy and Gaby that friends have been planning. Sunday we were to dedicate them at church, promising to raise them to know Jesus and giving them back to Him as they are His, not ours. Those things will be postponed as God has other plans for this week.

If I could, I would go back a few days and hours to where Gaby was at home, being grumpy about having her diaper changed and trying my patience with her stubborness. Why did I allow myself to have times where I was impatient and annoyed when I had Gaby with me, tube and cord free, to love and hold?

Why couldn't I remember that only a month ago I wasn't able to be her mom completely and was sitting in the hospital in Florida longing for the day that I would bring her home? Why is it that now, in another time of darkness, I look back at the light God gave to me and realize that I didn't appreciate it? Didn't thank Him and praise Him for it. Didn't give Him the glory for every second of it. I simply took advantage of it, and Him, yet again. When will my memories of these dark times stay with me enough in the light to do something about that?

Please pray for Gaby and for all children that are hurting today. Pray for their parents to enjoy every second of time with them and thank God for the little things and praise Him for all things. Do this for your kids today, please.

Time to go now as the snotty, bawling lady in the corner on her computer is drawing way more attention than she is comfortable with.